The End

It is over

It seems that it has come to the end of my project. There is no use in continuing anymore.

These past few weeks have been very stressful for me. It seems that life just won’t let me relax and focusing on manifesting something better, it just wants me to feel bad and stress out. If it’s not my own health problems, it’s someone elses. The end has come.

I initially started to write this post being more optimistic. Since this is the end now, I have changed the wording to fit better…
This is also a good example of why I’ve learned to fear gratitude. Because after I realised my problem about why it felt so forced et cetera, I tried to start doing my gratitude meditations and other mantras again. And immediately after, my mother ends up in the hospital! When she gets back home, my cat gets sick and ends up in the animal hospital too. At first I thought it was okay, after two days on IV drips and emptying his bowels, they told me it was just diabetes and that he could live long and prosper once we managed to make him bleed enough to check the bloodsugar several times pr day.

And since my budget have been just about making ends meet, I though I’d just pause trying to manfest things directly related to my own life, and just focus on manifesting money for a while.
The veterinary bill amounted to approximately 4000 US Dollars. Not to mention what I thought the rest of his life span with chronic illness would amount to as he’s not insured. I considered getting him an insurance when I adopted him, but the shelter told me it wasn’t very useful for cats, because they usually manage so well on their own, that all you really need is the yearly vaccine checkup. And then, as cat insurances grew in popularity, he had first gotten too old, as they used to have policies against insuring elder cats. As it became more and more reccomended to get insurances, I looked in to it again, but due to his age I figured I might be better off just laying off a sum every month to save up for his eventual need. Now that need came around, and I hadn’t saved up enough…

I didn’t even know where to start manifesting money, let alone a specific amount, since it has been pretty low on my list of priorities. Not because I’m rich or anything, but my basic needs are covered – I live in a quiet place, have a roof over my head, electricity to keep me warm, plumbing to suit basic needs, internet and television for entertainment purposes, and we can move around and buy the food we need with the help of a car. So I haven’t really needed anything more than this. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have loved to have my own jet plane or whatever to enjoy some more fun times in life, but it’s not something I’ve focused on at all. We’ve made ends meet, although just barely, but there’s not been a great need for more money. The simple life is good enough considering I’m too sick for most fun and complicated stuff anyway.

And this running vet bill threathened to break the balance. I mean, I could have lived on noodles and only used enough electricity to keep barely warm until kitty got better, compromising my own health (and comfort) in the process, but then what would the point of this Law of Attraction experiment be, if it couldn’t be applied to emergency situations?

But as it turns out, it wasn’t “just” diabetes. It was kidney failure. They didn’t even give him a week to live. So a different veterinary who does home visits, came home to us to give him his final shot. I didn’t want to stress him out by putting him in the car, as he really hates that.
And since I have now lost the reason I had for living and trying to improve my life, I don’t really see any reason to continue this existance at all. I think I will follow him along to the other side, and forget about this “fix your life”-project as it’s clearly not working anyway.
I have NEVER done or thought anything to manifest my cat’s death or disease. I’ve read about cats becoming over 30 years old, and have told him (and myself for that matter) that he will do the same. And yet, here we are. With him not even having celebrated his 12th birthday, and life being as shitty as it can be with no real hope of improvement.

This also reminds me of the last time I went all spiritual in the mid-2000’s, like I intended to write about in the planned post about criticising this Law of Attraction stuff that never got off it’s feet. I did everything right, I followed the advice, went to naturopathic doctors, meditated, contacted my spirit guides, cleared past life issues, changed my diet, got a certification in telepathic communication, tried to appreciate what I had and all that stuff. I was a true hippie, except without the pot, as that was and still is illegal where I live.
My health declined rapidly around that time. From being able to fake normal, at least occasionally, to losing that ability and getting extremely sensitive to the world. This made me lose all hope that things would ever get better, and made me write off all spiritual and socalled holistic stuff as bullshit made to get money from desperate people – like all other scams, really.  I lived “fine” without the spiritual aspect, and decided that once my cat leaves this earth, I will follow as soon as I can. Until I suddenly had a burst of inspiration for doing this project.

And now, over a decade later, the same thing happened again. Spirituality going bad. Things seemed slightly more positive this time around, as my “manifest a message from someone” (in order to alleviate loneliness) worked to some extent. I never got around to write about that either, it’s all in my drafts. A friend said that since it’s after 2012 now, things work better. But I can’t go on without my cat. I have absolutely nothing holding me back now. I have looked in to the swiss clinics, but I can not afford them.
I am thus left with a couple of desperate options needing perfect timing, which I’m not too keen on trying, but depserate times calls for desperate measures!
I have also tried meditations to leave the body since I found out there’s no saving kitty. One of them almost worked the first time, I was just connected by the throath chakra when I realised that it would be unfair to go before the vet had been here, so I went back in my body for the cat’s sake. I hope it works again, I will at least keep trying daily until I’m freed from this bodily prison. For obvious reasons, I will be unable to tell when that will be.

I have also looked in to the spiritual aspects of suicide. I’m starting to think it’s in my spiritual contract, since it seems to be a recurrent theme in my life, and it seems to be the only way to end my suffering. I wasn’t really suicidal during the first years of my disease, it came about after they put me on antidperessants “for the side-effects sake”, as I wasn’t depressed at the time they gave it to me.  Never mind that they had never even been tested for safety to use in teenagers at the time *eyeroll*. And once that thought enters your head, you can’t get rid of it. And like my phsyical limitations keeping me from life weren’t enough, I think that struggling with suicidal ideation from teenaged years and way in to adulthod is enough evidence in and of itself that this life isn’t meant for me.

But without prolonging this any longer, I just want to thank those of you who came along to follow my last desperate attempt to get any life improvements, and I hope you all will have better luck with following this path than I’ve had. Although since this is the second time it fails me, I can not really reccomend any of you to actually do so.

Love from Fanny