Astral Letter to SP

Astral Letter to a Specific Person

letter

A little while ago, I had an upsetting dream about a specific person which made me realise I am not approaching this from a place of unconditional love – so I decided to write an astral letter.

This post is extremely personal. I have debated with myself for months on whether or not I should post it, as I’ve written it for quite some time. But my intention is to let my feelings during the Law of Attraction experiment be documented – so for now I decided to be open and hope it helps me in some way. However, I reserve the right to unpublish or even delete this at any random moment in the future as this is supposed to be done by hand and then burned in a fire. But I’m too sick for any kind of smoke, and don’t have any safe place to burn it. Not to mention that typing is a lot easier than writing by hand with my health issues. I think publishing is also one of my ways to send out vibes to the universe.

So, one of the things I want to manifest (back) in to my life is a specific person. While it’s not an absolute must for me that it’s him, I sort of need to get laid, and I definately want to feel the way I did on our first dates, before – according to the LoA at least – all my insecurities appeared and drove us apart. And it would be very convenient if it’s him; we know each other well, he lives nearby and I wouldn’t have to go through the whole process of explaining my disease to a new person who have never even heard of it before, which is quite a struggle and drives most people away. Not to mention that my attempts at Tinder and the rest just feeds my suicidalism, due to the inherent sexism and ableism of the dating world. But it’s hard to keep focused on this, because whenever I speak of it, or get stuck and look for emotional support and ways to see how I attracted the bad stuff in order to help my progress with the LoA (and fixing my life with it), my friends and random strangers on the internet are being dismissive and tell me I should “forget about that psychopath and love yourself instead”. Which is all fine and dandy, but no matter how much I try, I am unable to cuddle with myself. They seem to think that my attempt to apply the LoA is enabling his psychopathic tendencies, and that it will eventually end up with me being physically abused and ending up like the stereotypical domestic abuse victim who thinks I deserve it, until one day I end up in the Emergency Room unable to even move afterwards.

And I get it – I really do. I have read a lot about psychopathy in the past, and he shows the classic sign of being too good to be true (lovebomb phase), then slowly becoming more dismissive (devaluation phase) and would possibly even discard me, but I ended it before it could get to that… More specifically in his case, he was being wonderful at first, then slowly starting to drip small comments here and there that feeded my insecurities about not being good enough –  which in a psycho’s “master plan” is supposed to break you down so eventually you think you deserve it.
He claimed that most exes wanted him back – which is a classic warning sign, and he also told me that he filled many of the criteria for psychopathy, and he even took a psychopathy-test on one of our dates, which he scored pretty high on, which of course is another warning sign. But he admitted he was an asshole to his ex, which generally would be a sign of self-awareness that psychopaths tends to lack, but on the other hand, many of the texts I’ve read about psychopathy says that things like this are them testing you, to see if you’ll stick around – “how much shit can I get away with, and are they truly loyal?”.
His ego can be through the roof some times, he’s promiscuous and seemes to think it’s my fault we’re no longer seeing each other. So the red flags are definately there, and I am not blind to them. But not wanting to commit isn’t a sign of psychopathy in itself, especially not when the person wanting commitment (me) can not really see a future due to having a death wish. And looking apart from a few comments that might have just been thoughtlessness from being ablebodied, and one episode near the end, he always treated me well. Then again, this is what domestic abuse victims say too, isn’t it? “It was only one time and he’s such a sweet person when he wants to be”. And I’m probably also a bit of an easy target for such people, not having much of a safety net. So yes; I am aware of it. And while I may have whined more to my friends than I probably should have given their current responses, going with the LoA train of thought; perhaps they are just mirroring my deepest fears about him?

But still, the first months we spent together, when I felt that I was in control because I hadn’t yet developed feelings and thus waking up my insecurities, he was absolutely wonderful, which made me feel like maybe life has something good in it after all, and I want that back, damnit. So I’m focusing on trying to get that feeling (back), and visualizing that with someone else is pretty hard. But of course, if the universe (or should I say myself?) provides (er… attracts?) someone else that can give me the same feeling of things being almost okay in the world, I am open to it.

In all honesty, I know deep down that it’s not so much him I want, but the feeling I had when I was with him in the beginning. And then of course, LoA says that I have to create that within myself in order to make it appear. Because you attract what you are, not what you want. And the only way I have found to create that feeling in myself is to visualise the two of us together, either by recreating the sweet memories, or imagining/pretending he’s here right now – “living in the end”. And when I manage to be that feeling, it will supposedly come in real life as well. Or some such strange magic like that.

The bottom line is: I’m trying to do/attract something that will help me feel better, so that I can start focusing on the real problems like my health and world politics. Because I still have a lot of issues with accepting life in general and this disease in particular, which keeps me suicidal. I am not strong enough to tackle that alone yet, and I feel like I need a large and steady supply of oxytocin in order to find my will to continue existing.

But anyways, I’m rambling.
What I wanted to actually talk about, instead of feeling like I have to defend my choices, is that one night in particular, I had a dream that he (my specific person) updated his facebook with something that didn’t make much sense. In the dream (which was pretty realistic so I wasn’t quite sure if I was asleep or awake when it happened) I was just doing my regular routine of scrolling through facebook, when I saw an update from him that was kind of weird. He had written an update that filled four lines, saying something along the lines of “Times change in weird ways, and here we are”.  Obviously it was longer and more cryptic in the dream, but since I can’t remember the exact words, that was the meaning of it. So in the dream, I got curious and went to visit his profile to find any sort of clue to what he was talking about, as it seemed like the friends who had commented on his status knew it already. Going to his profile somehow made me end up on the profile of what seemed to be his ex-partner (whom I have no idea who even is in the real, awakened life), and she (who looked a lot like Garcia from Criminal Minds in my dream) had posted a public picture of the two of them smiling to the selfie camera, with a long explanation of how they had now reconciled their differences and was back together. That actually made me so sad that I woke up from it.

Once awake, I realised that it was just a dream, and my conscious self kicked in to say this isn’t unconditional love, you idiot. You should be happy for him, not sad for yourself“, so I turned on my phone to find a guided meditation for feeling and sending unconditional love towards both myself and someone else, and fell back asleep. When I woke up again, I had some issues with my throat… Last time I was on the spiritual path, a medium told me that I had so many problems with my throath chakra because I didn’t say everything I wanted to say to people – now, this could of course just be my disease having a flare, but if I’m going to go all in for this LoA stuff, then no option should be left untried. But since I disagree that everything always needs to be spoken out loud, I thought maybe I should try an astral letter, as meditations often can make me feel alittle too relaxed and peaceful to have remeber all the things I want to say.

What is an Astral Letter?
An astral letter is a letter you write to a persons so-called higher self. There seems to be suprisingly little information about this online, considering the amount of spiritual people who mention it.

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To dumb it down, an astral letter is a letter you write to a person you wish to speak to, but never send. All those emails in your “draft”-box can be considered astral letters until such a time as you press send, and make them real letters.

However, astral letters is usually meant as an emotional freedom technique, in which you write things you want to get off your chest but don’t nescessarily want them to know you think. Then you basically sit down in a meditative state and ask their higher self to enter the room so you can read them the letter. When you’re done, you thank them for listening and then go somewhere safe to burn it, lettting go of the pain and releasing the emotions. It’s supposed to be very freeing.

Here is a great example of how well it works, even if you don’t apply the spiritual theories to the technique.
Recovery began by dropping resentments

So, okay here we go… *deep breath*

Dear Specific Person’ s Higher Self.

I am writing you this letter hoping it will clear up some energy imprints of what I need to say to you, but don’t nescessarily feel that you need to physically hear from my mouth. As I think you probably noticed that I got more quiet during our last times together, I want you to understand that this was not because I lost interest, but because I struggled with things like not interrogating you about your sex life, the people you were seeing, and so on. We were supposed to be a casual thing, and as long as you didn’t want to change that, who you spent your time with was none of my business. It got too hard for me to live like that, so after struggling for quite some time, I couldn’t see any other option than to give you the ultimatum of a relationship or nothing. It was too hard to go on as just friends and see you all the time, and feeling like I wasn’t good enough for a relationship in your eyes.

It has now been over a year since we last saw each other, but we have at least seemed to open the lines of communication again, which I am very happy about, and despite what you seem to hint at sometimes, I still care a lot about you. That’s actually why I ended our casual deal, as I developed feelings and it got too hard to keep them in check. As you know, I offered you a relationship, but despite your previous statements of loving me, you didn’t want that, because you thought I was too selfish. I hope that our recent friendly conversations means we are both on the right path, and that one day we will get back together and commit, without all our baggage getting in the way. But I’m afraid that you don’t really want more than occasional internet chats with me, despite the fact that we clearly miss each other.

And I know I’m the one who wanted to keep it casual in the beginning. So let me be clear about this:
I made a mistake!

I want to try to explain why, although it may not be of any interest to you.
I have a lot of baggage from past dating experiences, in which I’ve only ever been good enough for casual sex, and not relationships. The only reason people even talked to me some times was because of my boobs. This has made me build up a huge wall of ice around my heart, to protect myself. And I realised after I had to move to this country for health reasons, that I was too sick to ever be considered anything more than casual ever again, so I thought I could fix my heartaches by taking control of the situation. After a little help from friends to brainwash myself, I thought that If I’m only seeking casual, and keep certain borders (like no kissing), feelings won’t develop because I won’t be wanting more than that.

And to be honest, you aren’t exactly “my type”. I usually go for the types that either are so good looking that they know they can get away with all kinds of shitty behaviour, or the more shy nerdy types that always turn out to be shitty entitled NiceGuys under their seemingly nice surface. So I really thought I could protect myself from heartbreak by going in to a casual no-kiss deal with you, as I found you to be much more mentally mature and stable, and not like the usual people I tend to attract (or be attracted to).
Then I got to know you.
And you are seriously the most respectful, caring and interesting man I have ever met. You are also one of those people who become more and more physically attractive the more someone looks at you, and please know that saying this doesn’t mean I found you unattractive to begin with – just that you weren’t my type. But I’m rambling… What I’m trying to say is that you won me over, despite my resistance to let you do so.
And I have to add in that putting up with all my illness-recquirements and personality quirks is a task worthy of a gold medal.
You are also a very pleasant person to be around – easy-going, fun and keeping the conversation alive even when my awkward introversion unintentionally ends it. There’s no awkward silence with you, we can just comfortably keep our mouths shut without it being weird, and that is a quality that is hard to find.

What broke down my resistance the most was that you made me feel safe. Not just safe from physical harm, as that should be a given (even though sadly it isn’t always so), but in all aspects of life. I could be my usual quirky self, and more importantly; I didn’t have to hide how my disease affected me. You never told me to pull myself together, wondered how such a small thing could cause anyone discomfort or other ableist things people often say. You tried your best to accomodate all my allergies, which is a hell of a lot more than any outsider person have ever done for me. You read my small signs of discomfort, even when my internalised ableism made me try to hide my symptoms – like that time when you pushed the table across the rug, and I tried to hide that the noise made me wince in pain because I wanted to appear more normal; You noticed, apoligised and asked if I would be okay or if there was anything you could do to make it better. Such a small gesture, that people seem to think is common and obvious, but it’s really not. And ablebodied people don’t usually think about these small things, but you really made an effort to try, and that really made me warm up to you.

Emotional safety is probably also what started our downfall. And please don’t think that this is an attempt to shift the blame to you in any way, because I realise that I probably never gave you any positive feedback and thus I am to blame for most of our problems, but you made me feel safe emotionally by constantly making some small comments that made me think you liked me a lot, possibly wanting more than our casual deal – for instance you told me you wanted a girl who did stuff I had just done (like that one time I laid my head on your chest, remember?). But I knew we were supposed to be casual, so I held back.
A lot!
And it worked pretty okay, telling myself that all I wanted was to be held by someone and not complicate things. And I also realised you weren’t as lonely as you had told me when we were chatting online, so my warning signals were blinking – my paranoia told me not to trust you, so instead I internally questioned every little thing about your life. And the mixed signals that were there already from the beginning (like when you mentioned that the festival you went to was a good place to be single), naturally worked as fuel to tell myself that casual was what worked best for both of us.

Then one day, you kissed me!
We had sort of said that wasn’t going to happen, and then it happened anyway. And I froze up, because I wasn’t expecting it, and I didn’t know what to do – I had wanted you to do it all evening, yet my logic told me that it would be like opening a can of worms…
Not that I am comparing either of us to a prostitute here, but there is a reason they don’t kiss their clients – it’s a very personal thing to do, and for many, it leads to emotions.
And I ended up rejecting you out of fear. I immediately regretted that, and sent you an apoligy the next day, which you thankfully accepted. But after this, you kept making comments that made it seem like you wanted more (like saying you wished I lived in your apartment), so one day I asked you if I was being a total bitch and if you wanted a relationship. You said no (perhaps because you felt I had put you in a vulnerable position?) so I stuck to being cold.
Cold was safe!
I was in control as long as I managed to stay cold.

But despite my hard work to try to remain safe, by being an ice queen and not let those annoying feelings get in the way, the ice eventually melted, and I couldn’t resist anymore.
I realised that I could fall madly in love with you, and when I told you this it felt like you rejected me. In retrospect, I think that maybe you misunderstood something I had said earlier, because you told me that I felt trapped and told me not to come back until I felt less trapped.
The trapped-thing O had mentioned was about physical intimacy (like having you on top of me for instance) and I’m really sorry if I made you think otherwise.
And due to my fears, I interpreted your comment as saying you didn’t want anything more to do with me. So I withdrew back in to fear, and was very sad and upset because I thought this was the end of our story.

But after complaining madly to my friends,  it seemed that most of them thought you were trying to give me space instead of rejecting me, like I had been thinking. And because I needed the physical aspect, I figured that I could give it another shot if I stonewalled my heart and only focused on what I could get out of it, because I didn’t want to go through the troubles of trying to find someone else who would understand the limitations placed upon me by “evil forces”. It took me a long time to find you, and I didn’t want to waste more time trying to find someone else.

Then the real problems started.
You seemed to be happy that I was back, but you didn’t want a relationship unless I changed a core aspect of myself (my suicidalism). That, of course, is not something I can do with the snap of a finger, so again, it felt like rejection. While I understand that it’s not a very attractive quality in dating, it is after all, a huge part of my life and who I am, so asking me to change that is basically saying I never will be understood and accepted for who I am – and feeling like no one will ever understand or accept me is a huge part of the reason I suffer with suicidal ideation in the first place. So it really is a complex issue that keeps ruining my life.
And it was around this time that I felt you started to become indecisive – saying some times that you wanted to stay single, then saying you wanted a relationship, and when I asked how we should define us, you said we were “not in a relationship but not single”, but you did not want to update your facebook status to “it’s complicated”, which of course told my paranoia that you were fucking others and didn’t want them to know you were kind of involved with someone else. Then you changed your mind again, and you wanted to be completely single, confirming my paranoid suspicions. Then you mentioned you’d be jealous and feel pissed if you found out I was doing whatever we were up to with someone else, and you felt hurt when I said I would not be pissed if I found out you were involved with others, as we were both single and questioning how we spent the time apart was none of our business. This was very confusing, and I didn’t know what to think about all of this.
Then you went on to say that even if you found someone else and got married with children, you would still find a way to come see me, and whomever you chose would just have to accept that. Which combined with some other small thoughtless comments you had made throughout our history, made me feel like you saw me as a charity case – someone you felt sorry for because she couldn’t find the physical intimacy she needed elsewhere, and not someone you’d even think twice about touching if you didn’t get to play the hero. And while I realise now that this is probably my own projection of insecurities, it was not a very good place to be in emotionally as other people’s pity is really hard to process. And you even told me you loved me at one point, which was very shocking considering the fact that you didn’t want a relationship.

So I was at war with myself.
My heart told me you were an absolutely wonderful person and that I was lucky to have you in my life.
My paranoid self told me that you only saw me as a charity case and that I wasn’t good enough for a relationship in your eyes.
And my logic told me to ignore all thoughts and feelings in order to just focus on the physical aspects.
Living in an emotional war zone is not very beneficial for mental health, and my friends were concerned about the distress it was causing me. They could tell that I was torn apart, and as they mostly agreed with my paranoid self, they started to resent you and constantly told me I had to end it for the sake of my mental health.

And then, the signs of our end became impossible to ignore. You started pushing my boundaries, which made me question your overall intentions with me, and after an otherwise wonderful evening, it all went to hell. You probably misread my signal and went too far, which instantly made me retract to the shielded bitch expecting things to turn ugly, and I was prepared to kill you or die trying. It didn’t get very ugly as you immediately caught what was happening, which I’m thankful for, but you seemed rather cold and distant after that (as I think maybe you felt rejected too?).
Sadly, it took some time before we could see each other again after that due to life circumstances, and the emotional distance we had created (for protection?) just increased. You even started taking a long time to respond to my messages with no explanation as to why. So my paranoia and logic came to an agreement that it was best to end it before you had a chance to completely break the few pieces that are still left of my heart. But those pieces still wanted to stay, so I let my heart win by giving you a chance to explain your viewpoints, which was probably the dumbest thing I ever did.

Because even though I have gone back on this spiritual journey, and somewhat have to accept that everything anyone else does or says is simply a reflection of myself, I still really struggle to understand what happened that night.
When we could finally see each other again, at what seemed to be a bad day for both of us physically and emotionally, the first words out of your mouth was that I had gotten fat. I hadn’t gained any weight since you last saw me, and the next thing you said was that we shouldn’t be physically intimate anymore, before you proceeded to ask if I was going to do anything about my weight, because I had gotten really fat!!!
Since I hadn’t come to see you because I wanted to be insulted, I decided that I didn’t have to listen to that, and got up to leave. However, since we usually had our makeout-sessions at your chaise lounge, and the wheelchair is kind of in the way, you had placed that across the room. So when I got up to leave from what I consider to be emotional abuse, you wondered how I could leave since the wheelchair was across the room. I am not sure if you are aware of this, but that is considered physical abuse. However, since I still have movement, I tried to leave anyway which seemed to surprise you enough to realise what you had done, and give a (half-hearted?) apoligy. Sadly, there was no going back after that. I had to voice all my concerns about what had been going on between us lately, and the emotional war I was in which made me think it was best to end things, which again seemed to make you really think, as you suddenly seemed to be concerned about my wellbeing again. And you finally admitted that you had been fucking others the whole time, confirming that I wasn’t just being paranoid and insecure, I had well-rooted fears about the emotional safety of this “relationship” or whatever it was. However, you seemed to want this to to continue so you asked me to take some more time to think about it, which I didn’t really see the point of after the evening we just had, but for your sake I decided to accomodate you.

I knew that I couldn’t go on the way it was, so I realised that I had to give you an ultimatum  – to either give me the emotional security I needed (commitment), or to end things completely and not see each other any more. Because contiuning even as platonic friends would would be too hard on me emotionally, as I would be reminded that I wasn’t good enough every time I saw you.
Unfortunately, you couldn’t give me what I wanted, so it had to be the latter. I think it broke both our hearts, as you begged me not to end it, but I had to take care of myself. However, I really wish you’d change your mind about the commitment, and come back to me, because I miss you like crazy. But I am really sorry that I can not change who I truly am.

So to end this, my Dear SP:

I forgive you for saying shit that made me feel like a charity case, as I understand that you’ve never dated someone disabled before and thus don’t know all the little things that are alienating from feeling normal.
I forgive you for fucking others the whole time, as I’m the one who said that was okay in the beginning, and I can understand why you wanted to keep it like that after I developed feelings for you (too?).
I forgive you for calling me fat, as I understand that you probably felt rejected after the boundaries were pushed, and that you tried to protect yourself by finding faults with me. (Perhaps – thinking LoA-style – you were also just responding to my vibes, as I wasn’t very happy with my body at the time.)
And I also forgive you for being a total asshole when you first initiated contact again after months of complete silence, as I understand that you just played out your part in my Law of Attraction experience.

Now….

Please forgive me for being overly sensitive about certain things, especially those related to my life situation.
Please forgive me for projecting my past assholes on to you, and not daring to be emotionally open and trusting from the beginning.
Please forgive me for always having my guard up and expecting you to hurt me as soon as you opened your mouth.
Please forgive me for never giving you any positive feedback.
Please forgive me for not being able to tell you what I needed in order to start trusting you and feeling emotionally secure within our “relationship”.
Please forgive me for making you feel like you were a bad lover, because you’re absolutely not!
Please forgive me for making thoughtless comments that could be interpreted as disliking your ethnicity and cultural background – I really dislike all humans, not just “your kind”, but I should have taken more care to not give you that impression.
Please forgive me for not being able to enjoy the moment, but always thinking about what the price of that moment will be – it’s a chronic illness thing that’s hard to get rid of even after learning to stay within limits.
Please forgive me for not telling you about the solution to one of our smaller problems before it was too late – and on that note –
Please also forgive me for taking away your rights to take responsibility for your own feelings, by making the decision to wait and see in case the solution would not work out.

With love,
– Fanny

PS: Thank you for always AlwayS ALWAYS taking things better than I expected you to ♡

4 thoughts on “Astral Letter to SP

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